ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
