he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
