From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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