Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
