if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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