my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
