hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
