I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
