Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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