do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
