oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
