my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
there was a trapeze. enough said
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
