note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
