I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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