is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
