wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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