ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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