He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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