Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
