She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
