Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
