Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
