while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
