Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
