her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
