allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
