I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
