dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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