god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
