Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
