how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
