the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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