the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
