i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
