Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Oh god it's open bar.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
