all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You were trust falling into bushes
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
