Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
