Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
