I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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