I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
