i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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