I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My liver just broke up with me...
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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