So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
