I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
