Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
