mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
