and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
