On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
