This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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