some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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