The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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